First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
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