Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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