I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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