I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I got copblocked.
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.