So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
