I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
