why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
