Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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