hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
