You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Randomize
