So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
