So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
did i walk over a car last night?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
