good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
