I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
