I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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