i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Is this like a preordered booty call?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
