I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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