Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The uberlube is also flammable
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
