Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
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I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are