The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice