Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?