I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
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