Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
