I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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