drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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