when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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