he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
