I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
