what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
