I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
