She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
