The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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