i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
our cab driver is having phone sex.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Randomize
