No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
