Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
