so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
