I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
