dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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