dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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