Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
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well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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