I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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