At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
