Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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