I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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