Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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