I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You brought string cheese to the strip club
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
