opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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