I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
