my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
