We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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