i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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