i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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