What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
