so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
