I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize
